“Christmas-Eve Lament” (AKA The Night before Christmas)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, I tore through the house
Looked in each corner (discovered a mouse!)
Paper and ribbon were strewn everywhere
Cookies were cooling, sweet smells filled the air.

I ripped apart the pantry, the closets, the shelves
I mumbled and grumbled and cursed out the elves
On Dancer, on Prancer, on Comet and Vixen,
The dog scooped a cookie - GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!

I tore through boxes and bags until dizzy
Went out to the car, nearing a tizzy,
Discovered MY present hidden amongst tools
ANOTHER JUICE BLENDER? IS THIS APRIL FOOL’S?

I drove to the Wal-Mart - closed for the night
Others, just like me, were staring in fright
Rushed back to our cars, the screamin’ of tires
An Indy 500, code red and a fire!

Weavin’ and veering we fought for position
Number one lost a hubcap, car two a transmission
I passed them with glee as a light shone from heaven
There on the corner, a still-lit 7-11!

I drove over the curb and screeched into the lot
Behind me ten others with similar thought
I reached the door first and gave one mighty tug
“Sorry, we’re closed“, said the clerk with a shrug.

Like bees in a swarm with our motors still buzzin’
Parting shots of “You stink!” and “Go marry your cousin!”
We raced out the exit, back onto the street
Pedal to the metal, a dead-line to beat!

Over a stop-sign and through the red light
Took out a hydrant as I made a right
I rounded that corner on two wheel like old Foyt
What a shame that my steering wasn’t near as adroit!

From out of no where sprang a furry red blur
A sled and 8 reindeer? I couldn’t be sure
My eyes shut in reflex, I hammered the brake
Ten others behind me, soon joined in the wake

We ploughed over hedges and up onto lawns
Eyes big as dollars, we thought we were gone!
And when the snow settled, a silence ensued
That furry red blur - was Santa Claus, dude!

Much to our relief he rose up from the scramble
He didn’t look jolly, he ranted and rambled
He harnessed the reindeer and stood up the sleigh
Beard full of pine-cones, he started away

Then suddenly, he turned, quick as a fox
“Is there anyone here, who DID read the box?”
He called us by name, and without any flatteries
“You morons,” he shrieked, “I was bringing you batteries!”

(And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of site -
“You’d think they’d remember, tonight of all nights!)